I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
