I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
