Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
