who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
