and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize