a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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