i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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