Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
