I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
