i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
