Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The air was thick with penises
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
