Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
