We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
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Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
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nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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