I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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