I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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