Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
