yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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