Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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