Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
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Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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