Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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