Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
