ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
