when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Let's get the cat blown out
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
