My first STD was from a foam party
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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