Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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