You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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