We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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