oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
