i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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