More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
