no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
