I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
