Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
