You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
