She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
