DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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