I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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