You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
