so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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