BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
