i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
