I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
