Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
