Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
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as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
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I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.