how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
