I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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