Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
