i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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