I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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