her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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