so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
