State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
