textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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