Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
