BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
