My hand turned me down
Moan for me like Helen Keller
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
BRING THE BAGELS
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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